Thoughts on Mother’s Days as a new Mother

It was May 10 2020, Mother’s Day, and I received this text from my sister:

—

For many years I wasn’t sure I’d get to be a mom. In fact, for my friends and family reading this, I doubt many of them even thought I thought about being a mom. You see, I’ve always been pretty ambitious and for the past fourteen years in one way or another I’ve been pursuing big career dreams.

As all of my fellow business owners can attest, starting and running a business is somewhat of a baby itself. Late nights, sacrifices, joyful wins followed by moments of self-doubt.

While I am so grateful for the opportunity to be my own boss, for years I kept putting off growing our family because I was already running at max capacity. During those years, I wrestled with a voice constantly trying to plant the fear that I’d never become a mom because I had put my career first.

I always knew that voice wasn’t speaking truth, but it often felt true.

In 2019, I made the decision to close my business (for what ended up being a year) and part of that decision had to do with creating space to grow our family. While shattering glass ceilings was never my aim, I spent years with a plate filled so full the calendar pages kept turning, another year would pass, and becoming a mom still sat on the back-burner.

As the wise Erin Loechner once said to me, “We talk so much about shattering glass ceilings, I can’t help wonder who all that glass is falling on?”

—

Mother’s Day 2020 looked different for all of us, living in lockdown during the initial months of a global pandemic. For our family it held even more grief. I laid in bed crying in the midst of early pregnancy loss. My friends text me to encourage me that “You’re still a mama” —but it didn’t feel that way. That constant whisper of fear I’d been wrestling for years… felt like it was coming true.

When life gets stripped back to the bare bones, it has a way of reminding us of what matters most. For all my talk about life first, business second it’s not easy to go against the grain.

In a world telling us we can have it all if we just systemize well enough, I’ve learned that we have to choose the things that are most important to us. Sometimes we have to walk away from something really good for a while, or forever, to make room for what is best.

As my girl Dolly Parton says (and basically my business mantra),

Never get so busy making a living that you forget to make a life.

photos by: Angela Rose Photography

—

This Mothers Day I have spit up on my shirt as I type this, I held MJ most of the night because she cried every time I laid her in her bed, I’ve felt like a failure more days than I’ve felt like a rockstar.

… it’s beauty from ashes.

Isaiah 61:3 NLT :  He will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.

Whether today comes with a set of unmet hopes, crippling fears, loss, or bundles of joy —you may be learning just as I am that life is happening in the midst of it all.

What has this year and this journey to motherhood taught me?

All beauty comes with ashes.

All good comes with hard.

Joy doesn’t always come without the mourning.

There’s usually a blessing buried in the broken pieces. 

Let’s bring it back full circle… Do I believe you can run a business and be a mom, absolutely! But for me, I anticipate having to continue choosing each day to make space for what matters most.

—

To my little MJ.

We prayed for you. We thank God for you. Your life has been prayed over. I am so blessed to be your mama. I thank God every day for you and I will always be here for you. I hope you always know how loved you are and that your mama is your best friend and biggest cheerleader.

Love, Mom.